Do you ever just get really sad? The kind of sadness that can only be described as despair. The cry your eyes out for days until they burn when you wake up sadness. The standing in a pounding, hot shower at 3 am so nobody hears your sobs sadness… right now that’s how I feel. Empty. Alone. Sad.
It’s been 5 days since I gave up sugars, starches, and alcohol. Giving those things up at any point in my life would probably have lead to some type of minor breakdown (the give me a brownie before I go postal on your ass type of breakdown) but add to that mix the fact that I have my monthly (well really now it’s a bi-monthly but that’s another story) and that I realized that the guy I have somehow managed to fall for (even though I know he is a bad idea, and whom my friends have repeatedly told me is a bad idea) just doesn’t really care. We are friends and nothing more. I guess I’ve managed to fool myself into thinking that if I play the good friend (read: the person he uses when he needs a ride) that one day I will be more than just ‘the wind’. It’s never going to happen. And again I am hurt.
Never again. This bruised red and purple pulsing mass in my chest is spent. Wrung dry of the hope of love I have closed the door to my heart. Friendship seems to be where it’s at so that is where I shall stay. A friend to those who deserve it and foe to those who don’t.
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