The Young One – Part 2

So when we left our heroine (that’s me btw) she had just left her new young friend in the street after a marathon snogging session. The Young One and I had gone our separate ways and I really didn’t think I would hear from him again. I mean, what could I possibly have in common with someone 7 years younger than me? He is the same age as my little sister for god sake! So I was really surprised when I got a call two days after our first meeting.

It was around 10:30 on a Friday night and I was elbows deep in an accounting assignment when the phone rang. I didn’t recognize the voice on the phone until he said “hey, it’s the Young One”. I won’t lie… at that moment a jolt of excitement ran through my body because here was a man (well a boy really) calling as he had promised. That shit never happens to me. I usually get the, I’ll call you and then weeks go by before I hear anything from the guy in question. Here was someone who had said he would call and he was doing so. The excitement didn’t last…

“So, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight?” said the Young One
“Sure, sounds good. What did you have in mind?” said our heroine
“Well, I’m hanging out with my buddies; smoking some weed and watching 300 if you want to join me” said the Young One
“Wow, well that sounds like a lot of fun but I think I’ll pass since my idea of a fun first date isn’t hanging out with you and your mates smoking pot.” said our heroine
“Oh, cool I guess I’ll talk to you later” said the Young One.
“Ok, Later” said our heroine as she hung up the phone.

Yeah, I know what you are thinking….wow, why did you turn down such a fantastic opportunity of a first date *side eye*

So I went back to working on my accounting assignment and thought oh well it was fun while it lasted. Then about 20 minutes later the phone rang again and it was the Young One.

“Hey, so I really want to see you tonight so I’m coming to pick you up in about 10 minutes” said the Young One
“Ummmm, crap ok…. I’ll try to be ready….what exactly are we doing” stuttered our heroine while running up the stairs.
“I don’t know, I figured we could drive around and figure something out” said Young One.
“Ok, cool. I’ll see you in 10 minutes” said our now breathless heroine.

So the second attempt at a first date went really well. The Young One drove me around the city and showed me places that I didn’t know existed. I love exploring cities and to be able to explore my own backyard by moonlight and star shine was amazing. I thought to myself that there was hope.

Wrong again.

Moving Forward...or at least trying to.

If you read the last post you know I was dealing with a lot of stuff last week. Things are better this week and I am starting to see things a bit more clearly. I cancelled my e-Harmony account (I know…after everything I said about them…Yes I did join and I did pay) because I don’t think I am in the proper mind space to actively search for a partner. My heart still aches and I don’t know what else to do about that but hope that time will dull the pain of loneliness.

That being said, one of my non-resolutions this year is to be more of a bitch. By that I simply mean that I resolve to stand up for myself more often. Instead of allowing myself to be lead down a path I know will make me unhappy I will say NO.

For instance, the guy from the last post (yeah the one I have fallen for) and I had made plans to drive to Ottawa and Montreal for a few days. When I realized how much it would cost I bailed. I just don’t have that kind of money right now to pay for a trip like that. I thought everything was settled until he offered to pay for the hotel for the weekend. When I asked why he was being so generous he said that his friends had already planned for his visit and he didn’t want to miss out. I suggested that he could still go on his own. He responded that he needed someone to drive him, that’s why he offered. Not because he wanted to spend the weekend with me…NO. It was because he would have someone to drive him around. The funny thing is when he said that I realized that that someone didn’t have to be me (insert driver name here because we are all interchangeable). How do I know that he won’t just ask one of his many female companions?

So NO, I won’t be driving anyone to Ottawa. It’s time for me to realize that I am a good person who deserves to have Love in my life. If it takes a millions years then so be it. I am done trying to attain love by doing things for people who could care less.

This I guess is my own little Love Revolution so bring it on!
The time has come to move forward.

This is How I felt Last Week

Do you ever just get really sad? The kind of sadness that can only be described as despair. The cry your eyes out for days until they burn when you wake up sadness. The standing in a pounding, hot shower at 3 am so nobody hears your sobs sadness… right now that’s how I feel. Empty. Alone. Sad.

It’s been 5 days since I gave up sugars, starches, and alcohol. Giving those things up at any point in my life would probably have lead to some type of minor breakdown (the give me a brownie before I go postal on your ass type of breakdown) but add to that mix the fact that I have my monthly (well really now it’s a bi-monthly but that’s another story) and that I realized that the guy I have somehow managed to fall for (even though I know he is a bad idea, and whom my friends have repeatedly told me is a bad idea) just doesn’t really care. We are friends and nothing more. I guess I’ve managed to fool myself into thinking that if I play the good friend (read: the person he uses when he needs a ride) that one day I will be more than just ‘the wind’. It’s never going to happen. And again I am hurt.

Never again. This bruised red and purple pulsing mass in my chest is spent. Wrung dry of the hope of love I have closed the door to my heart. Friendship seems to be where it’s at so that is where I shall stay. A friend to those who deserve it and foe to those who don’t.

Should I?

Earlier this week I was talking to my good friend Betty S. and she mentioned that she had a date with a guy she met on e-Harmony (seriously I hate the ads for this company!!!). We've talked in the past about how online dating tends to suck but this time she had some help filling out her profile and within minutes had matched up with someone who seemed nice and was quite cute. Her first date went well, and they were already planning a second date at the R.O.M (sure beats the hell out of my 'hey, wanna smoke pot and watch 300 with me and my buddies' first date offers).

So anyway, it got me thinking. Maybe I should give E-Harmony another chance. Maybe I just need help filling out my questionnaire so that it's a more honest representation of how people see me and how I really am.

The question now is do I really want to go through all of that work and effort to seek out another potential blog post (read: date)?

It is after all 2009, it could just be the year this online dating thing finally works for me.

The Young One

I’m starting to wonder if blogging only about past, present and future dates may not be a bit limiting. My days are filled with so many little struggles, triumphs and questions that sometimes I want to just write it all down. So this is kind of a disclaimer: There will be more blogs but they won’t all be about dating. If anyone has an issue please feel free to write me and tell me so. All feed back is appreciated as it helps me hone my writing skillz (that’s right….I spelled it with a Z. whatcha gon’ do ‘bout it?)

I haven’t blogged in a while because my next subject (read: next in the long line of guys I “hung out” with) is not that interesting. The situation just kind of fizzled out on it’s on this year and there isn’t a whole lot to say but I’ll give it a try.

When I first met the YoungOne I never imagined we would still be friends even to this day. I use the term friends very loosely because it’s kind of like a MySpace/Facebook only type of friendship. You know what I’m talking about right? You know so and so from some random place (the bar) or not so random place (the high school years you are trying to forget) and you add them because you at some point in your lives had a connection. That’s how it is with the YoungOne.

I’ll set the scene…the girls and I were at our usual spot drinking our usual fare and discussing, as girls do, what we find attractive in a guy. The girls were busting my balls because I have a thing for Gingers. I don’t know what it is about a guy with flaming red hair that sets my heart a flutter but 7.39 times out of 10 it always happens. So in walks the YoungOne, he’s a little shorter than me but he’s built like a hockey player with a drinking habit, stocky and solid but with a little bit of belly. It wasn’t his stunning physique that caught my eye, oh no….it was that slight hint of red in his otherwise golden hair. The girls could tell that I was smitten and were making a scene by elbowing me and cat calling…He notices that we are all staring at him as he walks by and he stops and smiles. I jokingly say “hey if you wanna make out meet me downstairs in 5 min” (leave me alone I was 2 or 3 pints in) He asked if I was serious and I said yeah why not? And he responded “Then why bother waiting 5 minutes, lets go now!” I had to laugh because he was so exuberant….so I did what I know you would have all done….I went downstairs. When I met him downstairs we ended up talking and that’s when I found out that he was 23, the same age as my youngest sister. He was cute, and funny, and eager…so basically everything a potential boyfriend should be. But his age bothered me. I mean what was I going to have in common with someone who was 7 years younger than me? I’ll tell you what…nothing. So I kissed him and thanked him for making my night and went back upstairs to the girls who were waiting with all sorts of questions. I gave them gory details and we left it alone. I thought that would be the end until I was leaving the bar and the YoungOne appeared and asked me if he could come home with me. Now, I’ll tell you that I have a very big rule; I don’t let new people know where I live. I have no desire to have people stalking me so when he asked I told him no way. He asked if he could walk me to my car and I agreed to that, more to get him off my case than anything else. So he walked me to my car and we talked for a little while and he again asked if he could follow me home. At this point I was thinking it was a little too much. I gain said no and he agreed it was probably a good idea for him to go home without involving me in his evil plans. He asked for my phone number and swore that he would call me within a few days for an actual date. I laughed because I’ve never been the girl that gets asked out on dates. I’m the ‘hey lets date the friend of a friend’ girl so the idea of an honest to goodness date was at that point laughable (keep in mind I hadn’t started my online dating site adventures). So we parted ways with a quick kiss and I thought to myself ‘I’ll never see him again’ but I did…

Don’t get too excited, the deal on the first date will come in the next blog. But rest assured it was the first date to end all first dates! The most amazing night of my life! I’m kidding…

Am I Crazy?!?!

It's almost midnight and I sitting in bed after a long day at work and I've done my ritual of going through Facebook, my emails, and www.youknowyoudeadazzwrong.com(check this site out if you want to laugh so hard your cry).

Now what do I do?

I know I'll probably end up watching the episodes of C.S.I. and Grey's Anatomy that I recorded on the DVR earlier but I wish I wasn't doing it alone. That's where all the stupid marketing on web pages gets me. It seems so innocent at first, sure I’ll check out what's going on here but off to the side, just in line with your peripheral vision is the dating website ad. It calls to you with promises of matches to be found.

“Look, Bob and Jenny-Sue met online 6 months ago and now they are happily married!”

**Yeah E-Harmony I'm calling you out, bastards that you are for making me want to sign up...Again. **

I think it's worse because it's Office-Christmas-Party/New-Years-Eve-Party time and we all know those events are MUCH more fun with a date. So I am feeling the temptation to break my no-online-dating-websites ever again rule.

For now I haven't given into temptation, but who knows...New Years is only 3 weeks away.

The Baconator Pt. 3: The End (sorry it's a long one)

All things come to an end...and this end was tough. So in the last post we left with me hanging on to what I thought was a great guy: The Baconator. At this point I was hoping that he would make good on my emotional investment in him. I had sacrificed a lot to hang out with him…not only my pride, but my savings account and time with my friends. The problem was that my friends hated him. For instance during the Grape & Wine festival, I invited the Baconator over to hang out for the day. It was going to be my first time venturing into the park for the event and I had made arrangements to have friends stop by for a few drinks. The Baconator proceeded to get so drunk that he puked on my phone (that’s right my PHONE, cleaning the gunk out of the keys was not fun) and then proceeded to be an ass to all of my friends that came by. My friends had told me he was an ass and I didn’t want to believe it. I defended him to the end…that was stupid. Long after our situation ended, I continued to hear stories from that night. Apparently he felt obligated in his drunkenness to tell my friends about our intimate details, to talk about how he liked to date teenage girls, and other sordid issues. Nobody told me until the end. Not that it really would have mattered at that point…I think I was in to deep to see past it.

Ok, back to the main story…sometimes I get off track remembering how stupid I was but all I can do is laugh now. So in the last post I had given the ultimatum “me or her” and he had promised that he would break up with her “soon”. Little did I know that soon wouldn’t be for another 2 months. Around Halloween we had decided to do our own thing, I would hang out with my friends at a few different parties and he would do the same. I didn’t think anything of it because I didn’t really like the people he would be hanging out with but was happy that we would spend time together later in the week. His big Halloween party night was a Wednesday and before he went out he called me to chat and sent pictures of his costume. He let it slip that his girlfriend, we'll call her Girlfriend#1 (yes the one he was breaking up with) had helped him with his make up…I was more than a little upset. I asked him why he was still hanging out with her if he was going to break up with her. He said he needed more time because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I again gave an ultimatum…end it. NOW. Nothing changed.

About a week later we were talking on the phone and I asked why he hadn’t ended this other relationship. His response was (and I quote): “I’m not sure which one of you I’m going to choose, because you are both so nice to me” I know what you are thinking…what the fuck?!?!?! So I screamed for a bit then said: “I’ll make it easy for you, I’m gone! You no longer have to make a choice….oh and I’m going to tell her that we have been together since August (thank god for Facebook). That’s when he got scared. Oh I couldn’t tell her anything because it wasn’t my story to tell…I’m involved so yes it is…oh I should let him tell her because it would be easier coming from him…so many excuses that I couldn’t be sure he ever would. So I told him I would give him a week to tell her and then I would follow up with a message of my own so that I would know she would get both sides of the story. Fair and square. So a week passed and then I get a text message that read “you have ruined my life. I’ve told her and she will never speak to me again. Good bye”

I didn’t know what to do, so I checked Facebook. He had blocked me. I checked MSN; he had blocked me there too. So I did what any self respecting person would do… I wrote the other woman a letter.

Now, I thought long and hard about what I would write. As women we always say that if my husband/boyfriend/significant other was cheating on me and people knew, I would hope somebody would tell me. This was harder, I wasn’t this girl’s friend and she didn’t even know who I was apart from being the Baconator’s “friend”. So should I write this letter or not? I did.

The letter detailed everything from the moment the Baconator came into my life to the moment I ended it. I included all the gory details so that she would know that it wasn’t just me. She needed to know that the only reason I was even in the picture was because I cared for him and he led me to believe he felt the same. At first there was no response and then I started to receive messages from Girlfriend#1’s friends. They thanked me for sending the letter (obviously she forwarded it to them, again gotta love Facebook) because they felt she needed to know the truth. You see her friends hated the Baconator as much as my friends did. And just like me she had ignored their pleading. I thought, at least I know she has read it, so I have done my part…I never expected to hear from her but I did. About 2 weeks after I sent my letter I received a response from Girfriend#1, she thanked me for writing and ended the letter saying she was sorry that we both had to find out the hard way that we had fallen for an asshole. I never heard from her again.

Now, I know what you are thinking…end of story. I did my part, the drama is over right? Not quite. The very end of the story comes with a late night phone call from the Baconator 2 months after everything was done. He called from work and asked if he could see me because he wanted to apologize. I agreed and we met at Tim Horton’s at 1am. I’ll never forget that night because the apology I received was worse than the whole finding out I was the other woman.

So picture it, we are sitting in the coffee shop, and I’m excited because I am expecting an apology and hoping that we can at least be friends. I didn’t miss the relationship part of hanging out with him, but I did miss the friend that I had spent so much time with. It’s hard when that person is always there and then they are just gone. His apology started with “I’m sorry I made you fall in love with me” my heart stopped because I could see this wasn’t what I was expecting…. So here is the apology in its totality.

“I’m sorry I made you fall in love with me. I don’t think I would have ever kissed you that first night if I wasn’t lonely and feeling sad because my best friend was leaving me forever. The only reason we were ever friends was because I didn’t want to be alone. So I’m sorry I lead you on. My doctor thinks I may have clinical depression and that is why I do such crappy things. I hope you can understand and forgive me.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? That’s an apology? I betrayed myself by crying in front of him because I couldn’t believe this was happening. I went home and cried some more and then I texted him: ‘I don’t think we should ever speak again, I don’t think I could ever trust you so please don’t ever contact me.’ His response was: ‘I could never be friends with you either because you betrayed MY trust”

Ok people, am I the only person who sees the irony in a two-timimging-double-faced-exra-patty-eating-broke-ass-mother-fucker telling me that he can’t trust me?

FUCK HIM and anyone else who ever makes you feel like you deserve less than the best. Learn from my mistakes...I still am.